What's Your CQ? (Communication Quotient)

I thought you might like an advance look at my next Life Well-Led column, which appears in the Mensa publication, The Intelligencer.


What's Your CQ?


Most people think they're a good communicator. Alas, even Mensans can have an inflated perception of what could be called their CQ, their Communication Quotient.


Let's measure yours. The answers and scoring key are below.


True or False


_____ 1. Don't think ahead. Just listen to what the person is saying. 


_____ 2. Don't flatter too much. It's transparent sucking-up. 


_____ 3. It's wise to follow The Traffic Light Rule: During the first 30 seconds of an utterance, your light is green: You can talk without worrying you're a blabbermouth. During the next 30 seconds, your light is yellow: The risk is growing that the other person(s) would like you to stop talking because there's something s/he wants to respond to or because s/he's bored. At the 60-second mark, your light is red--It's a conversation, not a monologue. Yes, rarely, you'll want to "run a red light" and keep talking, for example, if you're telling an engaging anecdote but usually you'll want to shut up or ask a question. If the other person wants to know more, s/he can ask. 


_____ 4. Never interrupt. 


_____ 5. You build credibility with good posture and by speaking from the lower part of your natural pitch range. 


_____6. Effective communicators look for opportunities to make statements that move toward a person: agree, amplify, even good-naturedly tease.


_____ 7. When criticizing, don't bother sandwiching your criticism between two positive statements. That tactic has been around so long, people usually perceive it as an artifice.


_____ 8. When disagreeing, it's wise to use California couching, for example, "I certainly can understand why you feel that way but I'm wondering whether this approach may make sense (insert your idea.) What do you think? 


_____ 9. The four most important words are "What do you think?"


_____ 10. It's dangerous to be too nice, too early. You risk being taken for granted. 


_____ 11. The most important listening tool is simply to focus: Really pay attention. 


_____ 12. Be vigilant for changes in your conversation partner's body language.  


Answers


1. False. People, especially intelligent people, automatically think ahead. You probably can't and needn't stop that. Just try to also keep listening--it may change your response. 


2. False: U.C. Berkeley professor Jennifer Chatman set out to find a point at which flattery became ineffective. She couldn't find one. 


3. True.


4. False. Top sports agent Leigh Steinberg and OJ Simpson jury consultant Jo-Ellan Dimitrius believe that interrupting is the worst communication sin but I wouldn't be that broad-brush. Especially if your conversation partner likes to interrupt, interruption can make for a more uninhibited, enjoyable, and time-effective exchange. That said, stay conscious of whether, in a given situation, the likely benefits of interrupting outweigh the liabilities. (Disclosure: I can't stop myself from interrupting.)


5. True


6. True. Of course, sometimes you'll want to disagree but your relationship pays a price each time you do. Make sure your stating a disagreement is worth that price.


7. False. Even when people recognize that you're using the sandwich technique, it tends to be disarming, making the person more open to your criticism. Exception: In a complacent person. sandwiching may generate insufficient disequilibrium, so s/he'll remember that positives and figure the negative can be blown off.


8. True.  Of course, like all techniques, it can be overused but what I call California couching increases the chances that your conversation partner will consider your suggestion on its merits rather than rejecting it because s/he felt attacked.


9. True, at least in Bill Marriott's opinion. It's certainly an underused and usually helpful question. 


10. True.


11. True.


12. False. The meaning of a change in body language is too often unclear. Focusing too much on body language distracts you from the aforementioned more important components of effective communication.


Scoring key (utterly unvalidated)
NUMBER CORRECT        LISTENING QUOTIENT (LQ)
                <6                                               60
                  6                                               70
                  7                                               85
                  8                                              100
                  9                                              115
                  10                                            130
                  11                                            145
                  12                                            160

The Most Brutally Realistic Lyrics Ever?

The lyrics of songs tend to be more escapist than realistic. Not so with "Going Nowhere," written by Phil Cody for Neil Sedaka in 1974. It feels more relevant than ever.

Considering 

So many folks, dissatisfied with everything, 
Who need someone to understand they're lonely, they're lonely, 
And they're not alone. 

And everywhere 
They shrug their shoulders, tell themselves that they don't care, 
And all the while they make believe they're happy, oh they're happy, 
But not really. 

And they're asked to hold the world together, 
Make it happen, give it children, 
Who in turn are turning on to going nowhere. 
And all the strength they'd ever need to help them 
Has been wasted, remains hidden, 
In the confusion of going nowhere. 

And who am I 
To criticize the world that I have grown up in. 
Most of you would tell me that I'm crazy, yes I'm crazy, 
I can't help it. 

I understand 
That where you are is where you've been so many years, 
And things that tend to change you, tend to hurt you, yes they hurt you, 
Very deeply. 

And still you try to hold the world together, 
Make it happen, give it children 
Who in turn are turning on to going nowhere. 
And all the strength they'd ever need to help them 
Has been wasted, remains hidden, 
In the confusion of going nowhere, 
Going nowhere, 
Going, going, going nowhere, 
Going nowhere.

A Workaholic's Guide to Eating Well: Meal Preparation Made Very Simple

I am obsessed with being productive, so I've developed an approach to meal preparation that takes truly minimal time yet allows me to eat as healthily as I care to, while enjoying every bite.


I'll admit to having retarded taste buds--I only marginally appreciate a $50 wine over Two-Buck Chuck and enjoy the food at Red Lobster more than at frou-frou places.


But if you're looking to wring an extra hour or two from your day, you might find at least some of my minute-pinching ideas worth trying.


Breakfast
Nearly every day, I have oatmeal, although occasionally, I can't  restrain myself from running out to get a cinnamon roll from the donut shop.


While the quick-oats are microwaving, I pour a bit of frozen fruit into a dish and pull out a bag of chopped walnuts. When the oatmeal is done, I defrost the fruit in the microwave for 45 seconds. 
While it's defrosting, to the oatmeal, I add a tablespoon of brown sugar and walnuts. By that time the fruit has defrosted. I add the fruit and in three minutes, voila, I have a healthy, tasty, filling, inexpensive breakfast. I wash it down with a little nonfat milk. (Yes, I drink it out of the container to save time and having to wash a dish.)


Lunch

Some days, I microwave a piece of frozen sockeye salmon or chicken. That takes five to 10 minutes. While it microwaves, I usually make a simple lettuce and tomato salad, adding Trader Joe's taste-contest-winning non-fat balsamic vinagrette salad dressing. When the meat or fish is finished cooking, I sprinkle curry powder, garlic, soy, parmesan cheese, or seafood seasoning on top. 


Other days, I'll substitute an almond butter sandwich on whole wheat bread. Or I'll have a tuna sandwich, just mixing mayonnaise into the can and spooning it onto the bread.  I accompany it with a tomato and a pickle. 


 
Yet other days, I'll add chicken pieces, microwaved frozen broccoli, frozen leeks to ready-in-3-minutes frozen brown rice, adding parmesan cheese for flavor. 


If I'm not very hungry, I'll just microwave some frozen broccoli and throw some parmesan over it.

For dessert, I usually have a fruit. I particularly like clementines, also called mandarin oranges.  

Dinner
For dinner, I usually just choose one of those lunches other than the one I had for lunch that day. 


I do cheat--for example, the puff-pastry pizza from Trader Joe's.

For dessert, I'll have fruit or frozen yogurt. 


One or two nights a week, I have a glass of wine, usually while answering email.


Snacks
I keep a bag of peeled baby carrots and fruit at eye level in the fridge so I'm not tempted by high-calorie options, which I try--not always successfully--to keep out of the house. (Port Salut cheese is a weakness.)

And in a rather vain attempt to keep my weight down, I have a hot-pink sign at eye level on the fridge: Stay conscious! That reminds me to stop eating, not when I'm full, but when I'm no longer hungry.  That only works some of the time. I'm still trying to lose that dozen pounds. 

So You're Thinking of Starting a Business

Here's my latest column in the German magazine, Business Spotlight.  It's quite applicable to Americans. 

So You're Thinking of Starting a Business

My father was a Holocaust survivor. He was psychologically healed not by psychotherapy but by work, by owning his own small business.

Perhaps owning a business can heal you, if only financially. And in today's slow economy, many people need financial healing.

Of course, most new businesses fail, but this article can help you beat the odds.

First some reassuring news: You don't need a new idea. Indeed, new ideas are more likely to fail--guinea pigs often die, the leading edge often is the bleeding edge, choose your metaphor. Large companies have deep pockets and can afford failures but you may not have such deep pockets. If you don't, a wiser rule may be: Don't innovate, replicate

So, for example, you might pick a proven business concept. For example, in the U.S., food trucks are big--selling sandwiches, burritos, felafel, etc from a truck parked in a high-foot traffic area---A great location with no rent, a great combination. Just visit a few successful food trucks and incorporate their best features in yours. Then hire one or more of the business owners as a consultant to help you launch your business. They well may agree, even if you ask for them for free advice. Many people are flattered to be asked and enjoy sharing what they know. If they're worried about your opening up shop near their place, agree not to.

But if such an unstructured approach is not for you, it might be worth paying the usually stiff fee for the more structured handholding provided in a franchise.

Alas, the workplace battlefield is littered with dead-broke franchisees so you must be extremely careful before plunking down the tens or often hundreds of thousands of euros it costs to buy a franchise.

These sites profile some of the many franchises available in Germany: http://www.franchisedirect.com/internationalfranchises/germany/76/ and

http://www.franchiseek.com/Germany/#.T8KhedVfHRY

But which, if any franchise should you choose?

According to Franchise.org, in Germany "there are no specific laws or government agencies that regulation the offer and sale of franchises." So it is wise to ask these questions.

Questions for the seller of a franchise (usually called the franchisor)

1. Describe what you'll be providing me.

2. Describe what your most successful buyers of your franchise do that average and below-average ones don't.

3. What are all the costs I'll be required to pay, both upfront and after the franchise is up and running?

If you're satisfied with the answers to those three questions, go on to these more probing ones:

4. May I see a spreadsheet showing last year's profit for each of your franchisees? Far less helpful would be a verbal representation, for example, being told the average or projected profit. Even if the seller gives you the spreadsheet, it is important to ask:

4a. May I have a copy of the current complete list of the buyers of your franchise and those who have sold or closed the business in the last two years? Of course, it's better if you can pick from the complete current list than to have to rely on a few hand-picked by the seller. The seller may reasonably withhold that list until you've demonstrated you're serious, for example, by completing a long application form.

If the seller gives you only a few names, you may find others by Googling the franchise's name.

5. What lawsuits are in process, especially, disgruntled franchisees or claims against patent.

Supplement their answer by Googling the name of the franchise plus the words "lawsuit," "complaints," "scam," and "reviews." A small amount of litigation is common even in good franchises but an excessive amount is a red flag.

Questions for people that have bought the franchise

It is critical that you speak with five to ten franchisees by phone and one or two in-person.

Tell each franchisee your strengths, weaknesses, work preferences and time availability and ask:

1. Now, knowing the franchise and a bit about me, do you think I'd be wise to buy one?

After getting an answer to that key overall question, ask about some or all of these:

a. the quality and pricing of products the seller requires you to buy b. the seller's ethics and the ethics inherent in this business. c. the accuracy of the provided estimate of costs d. satisfaction with the training provided e. satisfaction with the ongoing support f. satisfaction with the marketing support g. the typical work week, and how it's spent (including marketing) h. the skills that are critical to succeeding in this business i. Would you add another store/territory if you could?

Questions to Ask Yourself

1. Am I a self-starter, not a procrastinator? Often, long hours are required--and no one will be supervising you to make you work all those hours.

2. Am I willing and able to sell and market? For example, have you, in the past, consistently been able to close deals while remaining ethical?

3. Will I follow the franchisor's system? Everyone says they will, but many franchise buyers fail because they don't.

4. Does this franchise capitalize on my strengths and preferences? For example, cold-calling, night/weekend work?

5. Am I resourceful? Will I usually be able to solve the frequent problems that arise in running any business?

6. Am I resilient when setbacks occur, or am I too likely start procrastinating?

You're Invited to a Free, Wonderful One-Woman Show!

 I'll be the piano accompanist for Jeffrie Givens' inspiring, one-woman show, Big, Black and Shy on June 17 (Father's Day) at 6 pm at the stage at the Lafayette Reservoir, in Lafayette, CA.

Here is a six-minute sampling:

But the sample doesn't reveal her improbable but true story, which I know you'll enjoy hearing her tell. And her singing/performing is off-the-charts!

It's FREE to you and anyone you'd like to bring.

The stage and seating is outdoors but the weather is usually excellent, with temps in the 70s.

It's lawn seating so feel free to bring a blanket or lawn chairs and/or a picnic. You can come as early as you like. In addition to picnicking, there's also a lovely, albeit hilly 2.7-mile trail around a gorgeous, waterfowl-filled lake, encountering lots of people walking their doggies. There's also boat rentals on the lake as well as fishing. HERE is more information on the recreation opportunities at the Lafayette Reservoir:  And HERE are Yelp reviews about the Lafayette Reservoir.

To get to the Lafayette Reservoir from 24 West , take the Acalanes Rd/Upper Happy Valley exit. Go straight for 1/2 mile and make a right at the "Lafayette Reservoir" sign. Go up the hill to the parking lot.

 From 24 East, take the Acalanes Rd/Upper Happy Valley exit. Bear right onto Acalanes Rd and go under the freeway. Make a left at the light onto Mt. Diablo Blvd. Go 1/2 mile to the sign "Lafayette Reservoir and make a right into the reservoir area. Go up the hill to the parking lot.

You'll need to bring 8 quarters for the 2-hour parking meter. (The show is about 1 hour an 40 minutes long.) If you're planning to come earlier, bring more quarters or pay $6 (would you believe, quarters only?!) for a day pass, which is sold at a machine in the middle of the parking lot. It is possible that the meters will all be taken in which case, you will need to pay the $6. The stage is located 100 yards up the paved path at the far end (the east end) of the parking lot.

Feel free to email me at mnemko@comcast.net if you have any questions, and I hope to see you at the show.

"What's the Big Idea?"

Here's the cover of my forthcoming book, What's the Big Idea?: Reinventions for a Better America. Click on the cover and you'll be able to read all the words.

A Case for Men

I've just written what I believe is my best article on men's issues, How We Approach Men, Reinvented.  HERE is the link.